Alright Jack

I am looking for a miniature jack. I need it for tomorrow. It will be used to pry open my sore jaw so I can stuff in a massive wedge of chocolate cake. Please help if you can. My antibiotics have ensured that tomorrows birthday is going to be a sober affair. No bubbly and no cake would mean entering “middle-age” will be even more depressing!

All Jacks to be sent to: The girl-who-may-as-well-have-man-flu-she-is-so-miserable. London.